nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
