Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
