I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
