I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
