I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
