i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
