There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
