i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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