you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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