when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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