I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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