it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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