He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
