how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
