Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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