i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
