and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
