apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
