I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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