Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
