im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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