he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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