How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
