Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
