Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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