sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
