If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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