he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I have fence marks all over my body
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
