Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
