I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
