My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
