On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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