I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I will pee on everything he values.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
