I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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