oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
they need to just BURY HIM!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
