The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
