If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
