well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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