I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
