I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
