Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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