totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
