I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
