He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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