Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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