dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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