My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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