I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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