And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
