Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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